Fran and I have been married forty-right years. What’s the secret for staying married for forty-eight years?
Our first date was February 1, 1976. When I was a Senior at San Jose Bible College, I preached every Sunday at the Fresno Avenue Church of Christ in Avenal, California. It was a 150-mile drive from San Jose to Avenal and I would leave at 6:00 AM, make my way over Pacheco Pass, and then down the Central Valley to Avenal. I had asked Fran to go to church with me and she said, “Yes.” I told her that I would pick her up at 6:00. She thought we were going to an evening service somewhere. I informed her that we were going to the morning service in Avenal and that she should bring a blanket! She looked at me weirdly, and I told her that the heater in my ’62 Ford station wagon had gone out and that it was cold going over Pacheco Pass in February, and that she would want to bundle up. Anyway, our first date was her listening to me preach. And she didn’t run! I knew I had a keeper.
So, what’s the secret to staying married for 48 years?
Hyperbole is an exaggerated statement or claim that is not meant to be taken literally. But this isn’t hyperbole. I believe that when marriage is done right, it’s the closest thing to heaven on earth. Two souls beating as one is a richness and fullness unequaled on earth. I also believe that when marriage is done wrong, it’s the closest thing to hell on earth. Two souls in the same room, yet not on the same page, can generate a lot of heat! In 48 years of marriage, we have attained the closest thing to heaven on earth, yet there have also been seasons of hell on earth.
So, what’s the secret to staying married for 48 years even when you’ve touched hell?
The first word of the gospel is, “Repent.” Matthew 4:17 says, “From that time Jesus began to preach and say, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” When Jesus called men to God, the first word He uttered was, “Repent.” In essence, He was saying, “God wants a relationship with you, God wants to forgive you but to enjoy that relationship with God, you must repent.” Repentance, of course, is turning from your sin and turning to the one forgiving you.
So, what’s the secret to staying married for 48 years? Repentance and forgiveness.
If I don’t repent, I won’t be forgiven. If I don’t forgive, any repentance on the part of the other won’t restore the relationship. Repentance is turning to the one you offended. Forgiveness is turning to the one who offended you. Marriage is two people constantly turning to one another. Not only do you turn to one another at the altar on your wedding day, but you also turn to one another on the day after your wedding, the day after that, and the day after that. By my calculations, Fran and I are on day 17,520 – and we’re still turning! When you are far from one another, the only way to return is to turn.
When you stop turning to one another, you get stuck. Many marriages are stuck because one spouse won’t turn to the other. When one stops repenting or one stops forgiving, the marriage is on hold. Some marriages have been on hold for 20 years. I have been in some form of pastoral ministry for 51 years and I am certainly aware that some offenses are worse than others. A marriage is two souls beating as one. There are some sins that stop the other soul from beating. I get that. But for the vast majority of offenses, there is recovery. And the road to recovery is repentance and forgiveness. This is true in marriage, in family, in friendships, and in other relationships as well. As Jesus proclaimed in Matthew 4:17, the road to relationship begins with repentance and is oiled by forgiveness. Without these, relationships grind to a halt. Without repentance and forgiveness, heaven turns into hell.
Are you stuck? Repent. Forgive. Turn to the other.
