No one has all the answers, and I’m wary of anyone who thinks they or someone else do. Sometimes, we just get things wrong—I know I do. If you don’t think you get things wrong sometimes, you’re setting yourself up for a fall and will probably take others with you.
The topic of mentoring has become more popular over the past few years, but it’s not always what some people make it out to be. A while back, I came across an article about authoritarianism. It was related to American politics, but it got me thinking.
An authoritarian leader is quite different from an authoritative one. I’ve worked under both, and sadly, as a leader, I acted more like the former than the latter at times.
What’s the difference? King Saul of Israel was an authoritarian leader, while King David was more of an authoritative leader. An authoritarian leader acts more like a bully, while an authoritative leader sets a confident example.
King Herod was a bully and tyrant (Matthew 2:13-18). Herod wielded his authority out of insecurity. He didn’t trust anyone and tried to kill anyone deemed a threat, including Jesus. In contrast, Jesus exemplifies an authoritative leader. He had genuine authority, but He didn’t use it to bully anyone.
Jesus led by example, yet His authority was well-recognized. We see this in the statement following His Sermon on the Mount in Matthew. “And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.” (Matthew 7:28-29)
Mentors are not masters, nor taskmasters
One of the graduating classes from our Bible college in the Philippines gave me a poster filled with their thoughts and thanks. They called me their beloved “Tor-mentor,” because their studies were difficult and I could be a tough teacher. But mentoring is not about being a taskmaster, or any form of master. There may be a time and place to be authoritative, but this excludes using authority in an overbearing way.
Perhaps a more appropriate way to look at being a mentor is to see ourselves as journeymen. People with common experience gained over many years. Mentors are people with experience and expertise who aren’t stuck on themselves.
Mentors have something to offer because others have poured their experience and expertise into them. Here is a simple way to look at discipleship—we who are mentors pour into others what God poured into us.
3 common mentoring myths
Here are three common myths that hinder effective mentoring. These are common opinions, which make them myths. We may not speak them out loud, but these are often latent attitudes among those of us who would be mentors. And yes boomers, I’m talking to you (as a fellow boomer)!
- I have the answers to your questions. You may have answers to their questions, but you don’t need to give them at the expense of the relationship.
- You need to know what I know. This may not be true at all, especially when it comes with an arrogant attitude and air of superiority.
- I’m a fount of great wisdom. Wisdom can be gained from many sources. You nor I have a corner on wisdom, and may not be as wise as we think.
There may be some truth to these opinions, but they do more to offend than help. A common reason for generation gaps is an unwillingness to listen on both sides of the gap. If we, as mentors, aren’t willing to listen, then why should anyone listen to us?
Jesus understood this at an early age. When He sat among the elders in the temple, He listened and asked questions. He knew who He was but didn’t assume upon it in the presence of others (see Luke 2:42-48).
Here’s a reframing of those three common attitudes—
- You don’t have all the answers. You may have answers to many questions, but sometimes you need to admit that you don’t know something. This may open the door for a mutual pursuit of an answer.
- You’re not always right. I learned this with my wife and children first, but also with staff and students. I need to admit it when I am wrong. This may be humbling, but it brings opportunities for a more open and healthy mentoring relationship.
- Your advice isn’t always needed. This may be hard to swallow, but it’s true. If you’re not asked, don’t feel obliged to dispense whatever wisdom you think you have. This is especially true if you’re a boomer like me.
Helpful mentors are not experts looking for opportunities to dispense their wisdom, but people of experience and expertise with humble attitudes.
A different perspective
One thing that helps is to level the mentoring relationship. I do not insist on a role of superiority and don’t need to be addressed by any title, such as “pastor.” I may have experience and expertise someone else doesn’t have, but it doesn’t make me better than others.
When I make mentoring a mutual relationship, at least two things happen. My first step in discipleship is affirming each person’s value and significance. This encourages a much more engaged and committed relationship.
The other benefit is being open to learning from those I mentor. Often I’m able to see things differently because the relationship is more open. This helps me mentor more effectively.
Are there any other mentoring myths you’ve seen or run into?
How about some additional helpful ways to mentor others?
Trip planted a church in the US and established two ministries overseas, along with many other ministry experiences. His ministry now focuses on discipleship and leadership development, while serving as a mentor to pastors and leaders with Poimen Ministries. Along with writing devotionals and simple Bible studies, he’s written books, Bible study guides, and training materials. Trip’s material can also be found at
@tkbeyond (on X)
@tripkimball (on https://substack.com/)
Thanks, Trip – helpful post.